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What is Seen... 2002-04-12 - 5:39 p.m. [Music: Orbital - The Box] Right now I'm just seeking out balance...and wondering if I will ever in fact do all the things I want to promise to do. It's this feeling of not being able to come through. I look behind me, I see nothing...I look before me I see the same. Living day to day doesn't seem to suit me very well. And God only knows what I'll be doing. I may get a job to help support my family. ~sigh~ It may have hit that point. I just can't seem to discern what's going on anymore. There's a something that needs to get out that lives inside me. I want to take the bit of money I have and just...go...somewhere...for the day. like..ride the BART all day and not worry about it. I would love that...just riding back and forth...place to place. There isn't enough time..tick tock tick tock tick tock...I just can't find the time to do everything anymore. I alck any real inspiration and it's killing me. I have no drive...I think I'm going crazy....or maybe crazier. I just don't feel myself these days. And I can't stand to know that everything is changing so much without me around...back home. Taco bell closed down for drugs, Dawn is goth, Jes is...well..we won't go there...Viz...has changed so I've been told. Sometimes I wish she'd of stayed with Christian (her's..the one I talk about is spelled with a "y" sweeties). And there's loads more drugs now...and...it's just gone all upside down. School there has changed drastically....I mean...how can I want something when it's changed so so much in so little time from what I remember? And things here are no better. I feel as though I have no friends. Als being the exception. I'm letting myself drift away from everyone else and I hate myself for it. And I can be so damn gutsy but I can't bring myself to talk to the people that intrigue me. It pisses me off...this people are smart and witty...and it feels like this sort of family sometimes that I will never be in...I feel left out of a lot at times but I know that's for my own good I guess. I dunno anymore. I know I want to see Tony and I want to see Dar and I want to go to a thousand places but right now everything seems far out of reach. it's frustrating. besides the fact it seems like no one feels the same way about me as I do them. Pathetic as it is...I would do anything to spare these people one ounce of pain...fuck it, yanno? I'll scream, so what...it doesn't matter dammit... And the dreams...god damn them. I've resorted to pill taking before bed just to be rid of thier memory. Sometimes I just feel fucked up inside. I want someone to look at me, right now...and tell me the truth. What do you see here? I fail to see a worthy reflection when I look myself. Do you see something better? Tell me...please...tell me. I need something to keep me going...something...I have to get through this because I have a lot to do still...mm...much to do. I will make something of this...this life..this body... I can't go on in thinking I am helping when you don't think such...tell me what to do... Damn..this isn't coming out right...maybe I should just write normal things like normal people...but that would be the question, ne? Am I normal...? and what the fuck is normal anyway? Human...I laugh at that...humans are like educated sheep...we're all damned one way or another, I'm sure...fuck being human...there's got to be something else...something I'm not seeing...but I'm looking dammit...and when I find it...shit knows what will happen but something will i bet... I hate mundane...spontinaity. Yes. this entry is all over the place...I should delete it but i don't feel like it... I don't feel like much of anything these days...headaches and sleepiness..that's all I am...dammit...I want better...better...tell me truth...truth or nothing...look at me..look at me and see me and tell me...what do you see? I need to know. ~Angel in Runes~