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When Everything Becomes Chance Again... 2002-06-17 - 3:20 p.m. [Music: City of the Dead - Resident Evil] I think I finally may know who keeps looking for my old screen name...synful lys...title and URL of thid diary. I'm not quite positive but it's a possibility...it also means I'm most likely putting too much value on myself...because who I think it is undoubtedly doesn't give a flying fuck...and...if it is in fact him he is searching for me so randomly...It's most likely only to fuck me up emotionally. If this is the case...Kudos to you Chrystian. Once again you succeed in making me want to bend to your will and come crawling back, apology on my lips. I wanted to let that die..that..friendship. I loved it...I love him...but...It's been mothes. I can't do it again...Because it will only happen over and over and over. Repeat cycle. but it stops here. If we want to be the adults we are..then fine...so be it. But I have a life now. Chrystian Chanse is no longer my everything. Sure, it still hurts to think of him sometimes but that's how you remember people you love, right? I'm moving on. I was a child then...I refuse to be one now. We made mistakes...admittedly...And it was both of us that made them...not just me as I was taught to think. ~sighs softly~ Can't we just say goodbye? It's been an incredibly depressing day. i have been on verge of tears all day. I am simply waiting for him to e-mail me back with a nasty retort or something...Something I know will destroy me. I know it's coming and yet I can't force myself to delete his mail...like I should have this morning...curiosity killed the cat my dears...I shall be living proof. And it makes me think of turtleguy...and that story he told once about the kids in high school..the ones he thought were cool but never spoke to...the ones that killed themselves. I always saw that as me. In fact, I wrote a rather morbid story based upon a dream I had based on it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not a child...I'm not an adult. I'm not alone..but I'm not with anyone either. Everything I am contradicts everything else and it's tearing me up inside. ~sighs softly~ He is the brain to my justin and I am the Brian to her Justin...it goes around and around and it sickens me. i can't have both...don't want both....and I deserve niether. i would just like something to be simple for once...some damned moments of peace..but no...chance decides to throw Chance back into my life without warning. Fucking hell. I'm a mess...a complete wreck. i need to do something else before I do anything rash...fucking hell. As if i didn't have enough problems. ~Angel in Runes~