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The Grand New Game... 2002-10-03 - 12:07 a.m. [Music: Noriyuki Asakura - Let it Burn] Lonely again as I often am...not to mention confused, as per the usual. It occurs to me that while one thing carries itself so very well in my life...everything else falls to shit. In the last year i've made many friends. In the last few months I have lost most of them. i don't really know what the reason is..why we don't talk anymore..why we don't matter to each other anymore but that's how it is these days and I'm terribly lonely. Longing for contact as it were. And i do suppose I am the peculiar sort becvause when Scott tried to hand that to me I shoved it away. Mostly because i don't trust myself with others...and don't begin with the "but you trust Chrystian" bullshit lines..because that's entirely different. I've know him for a while....been through a lot of shit through it and for it...but here we are again, friends. So..of course I trust him...but not so much to follow him blindly. i trust him because we are friends...very good friends so i'd like to think...And I have a strange sort of freedom with him. he knows my dirty little secrets...half the time he was there to witness them...over the phone as I cried as it were, but still there. it's just a very different can of worms. And these friends leaving...some of that i can't help but blame on Tish. God only knows what she says to them about me. it seems ever since I went out with her I lost more and more friends. Maybe my mind's just playing tricks on me. I just wish people would give a damned reason for why this happens. A clear I don't like you anymore would suffice. there's that need of closure of mine. I just can't seem to grasp why so many people dislike me these days...won't talk to me anymore...the conversations just don't last...ranging from Gem to Tony to Tish to 'Lex to God only knows how many others. Maybe my focus is still too narrow. I work on a single thing and that's that...prehaps all this is my fault. More than likely it is...but I do wish people would get the damned courage to say so...if only so i wouldn't wonder so much. it occurs to me that I have in fact changed in the last year....I've become more of a realist. Blind optimism and delusional inferences are not something I can do anymore. Hello and welcom to Real Life. I have debt now...I need a job now...I have college level work to do now. There is no more time for play...and I sit here wishing it would come faster while at the same time i want to do nothing more than this..ever. I supose you could say I'm afraid...I don't want to wonder "what if?"...but...I'm getting older. it's bound to happen. so...I want to make the best of it. Do what I can...when I can. people can change...it just takes a good shove, that's all. So where do I stand? No idea. I am not getting my hopes up that this renewed friendship between Chrystian and I will have a romantic end...but, on that same line, I am not damning it either. Whatever happens happens. No one is to say who I will be with in the end of all this...for the time being I am content to let them find me...because not looking is the best way of looking. Do I want contact? of course..that's in my nature..I want touch..I want embraces and kisses and hugs. but I can do without if need be. I don't want to lead anyone on...it wouldn't be right. The fact of the matter is I don't do love at the moment. I want friends with benifits...I want to have stories to tell...~grins a little~ I already have a few that I collected this year. I'm just not ready to settle completely. I need a tiny bit of distance and warm conversation at the moment and that's enough to content me. Maybe I'll find the perfect imperfect someone once school starts. Who knows? it's not that big a deal...There are more important things to worry about...take my deminishing health or my fading memory...those are rather important. my health is of course my own fault...sleeping through meals does that to a girl...the memory though is much more worrisome. I am quite literally losing my mind. Things grow harder and harder to remember without writing them down. My memory's become incredibly selective...selfish really in that it only remembers things *I* need..if that...not the things others ask. Losing my mind...slipping away...so funny that. Someone asked me if I missed how things were....I replied simply I do. with a passion honestly. but I accept the grand new game...it might be fun. And here am I, a brand new piece...forged with love, patience, shame, and resistance in mind. There's no winner to be had though, you see...~grins softly~ Only the board wins in the end. but here we all are anyway..playing away. I am the Red Queen...who, my dear, are you?~chuckles softly~ ~Angel in Runes~