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Summer of Saturnine... 2002-09-01 - 10:19 p.m. [Music: Saturnine - The Smashing Pumpkins] sat·ur·nine adj. 1.Having the temperament of one born under the supposed astrological influence of Saturn. 2a.Melancholy or sullen. 2b.Having or marked by a tendency to be bitter or sardonic I suppose one could call it the Summer of Saturnine. One could also call it a love affair gone horribly horribly wrong. In any case though I've once again suceeded in making myself out to be a bitter and crazy bitch, for which I have no excuse. It's a constant. People are meant to be kept at arm's length...it's just the way things are. Once destroyed, the destructee becomes the destructor...reaping away innocence. So I'm not the most wonderful person...we knew that from the get-go, now didn't we? I'm the walking lie...The girl of a million masks. People see me the way I want to be seen...and it's funny...I've gotten to be so good at hiding myself...i don't know who myself *is* anymore. I lose friends all the time and it simply ceases to matter. There was once one great love in my life. It was the most bizzare and singly satisfying experience of my little life. Chrystian was wonderful then...and there's still an empty space where I deleted him from everything that i am. ...There were once two great love affairs in my life. The second of which i butally mutulated to my own hidden ends. Thinking i could spare a perosn hurt and pain I tried to shut them out...shut them off. And to that end I hurt them moreso. So...I covered it up. Pretended to be happy when secretly I hated her new happiness without me...her nice plausible life she had created for herself....which truely reminded me why I don't stay friends with many of my exs. Last night it ended. All my memories of her...every fight, every conversation, every I love you lies in the recycle bin on my desktop. Sadly I don't yet have the heart to delete it all. I'm burning it to disk as soon as i get the chance, in fact. But to be truthful it's all quite better this way. In this light no one gets hurt and i stay alone...how it should have been in the first place. Interesting indeed. I wish sometimes I could photocopy my heart to know what i feel... I don't know who i am anymore...and there' no longer one void in me but two. I suppose I have a tendency to fuck up, don't I? Such a silly little girl. I need to grow up. Mature....And Chyrstian was right...again. So ends another chapter...time to begin anew... ~Angel in Runes~