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Spin Spin the Cog that is the I... 2002-04-09 - 5:48 p.m. [Music: Miranda Sex Garden (and lots of it)] Feeling pathetic and incapable right now. It's times like these I just want to run...run until I can't anymore and find the life I am deserving of...the hellish life I should have had and no one other should be made to suffer. Why is it the tragedy surrounds me but never consumes? I feel like such a burden to these people I'd like to call friends...I say like to call friends because they're not really. I am too dorky...too crazy...too something for them to ever truly be my friends...And I become depressed and then angry and then depressed again like a the spinning spokes of a bicycle's wheel. I don't know what I want anymore. I miss the year since passed because it was simple then and nothing had changed...nothing ever had to change. It was the best of times...it was the worst of times...It was my life and my everything...but now it all seems so petty but it still hurts inside...and still brings joy inside...that's why it's strange to think of the changes that happen without me there...and to think of all the might have beens and could have and should have beens.... I miss him. He's hurt me over and over and made me cry for no real reason and enlightened me and taught me and...I miss him. I am the fool in his eyes and that is what I have been...a fool. A fucking child and I deserved some of those cold hard words, though admitedly not all. God damn it...why did he have to be so attractive? So fucking alluring? I am ruined. He has ruined me for all others...no...he did not take my virginity...No...but he took the wanting...any real wanting to give that up to someone I loved...I still say it..but I do not believe it. I am ruined in a wholly different way. Making excuses. Forever making excuses...and prehaps Josh was right...prehaps I am in fact a cruel hearted cold bitch....I think prehaps I am. I do not bring joy...at least not to myself...I only become bitter...and I hide behind pretty words with shealtered meaning... I have no meaning anymore...Does this mean I wish to die? Every day but still I live this meanlessness because that in itself has meaning...At least that is what has been said and that is what I embrace. Honestly I don't think I want to die but I am unsure...there is not the same sureness there was 3 years ago... And it's time the story was told because I need it out in the open...it's tearing my pysche apart...Though some may know it already but may no longer care...it's no matter...it's time the truth was told without the embellishments and then it's time the dreams are divulged because it brings fear to keep them within. I know I talk about 3 years ago a lot...it may even be four by this time but I can't be sure...all I remember is being angry...angry that my life was not a movie...that the drama I was stirring was not ending the way I wanted it to...that Steve was not being manipulated the way I wanted him to. In anger I wrote out a faultly will...crying to myself and crawling into my bed...a threat of ODing on my lips...the last words to my friend Vizzi over the phone. Did I plan to do so? At the time...most likely...but I would have slept the feeling off...sooner or later...I did not in fact have the guts to kill myself that night. Nevertheless at 2...3? in the morning a policeman came a'knockin'. I was taken from my bed...though i do not rmemeber everything I do remember being sat on the pretty living room couches and crying...crying and crying...swearing that I just needed to sleep it off and trying to lie my way out of it...lie my way out like I did with everything. That night became one big lie. I was shoved into an ambulance, hiccuping with my tears and I was degraded for what I had said...watched and labeled like an animal. It was the most terrible thing I have ever experienced though I am certainly deserving of much worse and have put myself into situations were worse could have befallen me...For the longest time I rmemebered the smell there..the other people there...and being called sauicidal...it cuts like nothing else..and it always will for it's burned into my memory...and hence my fear and abhorance of hospitals. I couldn't bring myself to throw away that hospital braclet for a long long time...I know in my mind I should have stayed there...should have been checked in...but...at the same time I know that would have only encouraged me to go on and kill myself...Sometikmes I wonder what it would be like if things were different... But no one knows of these things until I type these words...Prtehaps I just need to be cleansed of them..they trouble me so...I do think I belong there still...but I also believe I would harm myself by going... this is what I live every minute of every hour of every day...regret to the fullest...because it is an unending lie...~sigh~ I just couldn't cope with the feeling any more. And then the violent dreams I've had of late...of a woman...girl? I don't even know...someone I have only heard of and passingly read about though I believe the text to be false and only the words to be true. I dream of the most beautiful of the people falling without my knowing at her hands...and then being taken by her...what was it he said? I can't recall...but...something about how awful it is to suffer such pain...pain at the hands of someone you loved maybe? Of someone who you know with your lips. I do not know if his words inspired such a dream but I know I hope to everything that it will never be. I would not forgive myself....ever. But it would not matter because were it true...she would crucify me...which would be such a bitter irony...for I am no martyr...He is...yes...and that may well be his end in a sense...but...~sigh~ I am not...I am nothing...mearly a connection...a cog in a wholly bigger machine... Why I am plagued thusly? What is the meaning? Is there any at all? I'm so sick of the everything...I just can't do it anymore...And it will not be okay...nothing will ever be okay again...I do not see what is there but I know it exsists...and that is the worst of all. ~Angel in Runes~