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Stepping Stones, Broken Bones... 2002-06-02 - 9:35 p.m. [Music: Rocks Tonic Juice Magic - Saves The Day] ...I hate you...but if I could somehow make you mine... ~sighs softly~ Welcome to my dream world kittens. Careful, don't get lost. Everything, then, now, always, forever...It always always drags me back to Chrystian. I just can't help myself that way. He was my everything. It didn't matter, and still doesn't honestly, that whatever realationship we had together was emotionally abusive for me. Because it was worth it. It was worth every ounce of hurt because he was smart and sweet and funny and though I was pretty and had a nice rack and would talk to me and even when he didn't talk to me it was beautiful...wonderful silence...saying so little yet saying so much..and the way he held me that oone time and how much I wanted to kiss him and the smell of his hair and the bounce in his walk and his cute little phrases and that look he gave me when I came out in a tank top and that hour we spent together and his sexy smile and dynamite comes in small packages and my boots that made me tower and...and...everything. ~curls up and presses her forehead to her knees on her little makeshift stage, spotlight focused~ I miss such small and trivial things, you see...because they all added up to something perfect and oh so beautiful. And...it's different than with Josh and Aronn I think because, unlike Aronn, or so I assume....Chrystian did love me..we dated a while...and then. I don't know. Everything fell apart so many times. but it doesn't stop me from missing the way he made me feel. The things he did...or..I did...~sighs~ it doesn't matter who did them. The fact of the matter is it's gone and there's this gaping void in me. I try to fix everyone..make thier pain my own...because I want to save the world but it just doesn't work that way. I'm absolutly helpless to stop it. Everyone projects *everything* on to me...not just pain anymore and I can't take this akward position. I cannot be that knight in shining armor...I cannot be prince charming as hard as I try because I do not feel it inside. I'm waitung for something..for someone....And I don't know who or what. I wish people would talk to me because I think I need it now and then too, yanno? I don't see why I get stuck with this stupid mortal coil while everyone around me suffers so wonderously. Aren't I the same? Fucking hell...same questions, still no answers...never have the answers. I just wish I could remember..i wish I could be the same again...before death, before the truth. I imagine I was a happy little sheep...But now...i'm a wolf in sheep's clothing, aren't I? I don't know where I'm going, what i'm doing and it scares and hurts me because the only thing I do know is I am totally alone in it. No one will love me and hold my hand. I carry the burden...but who carries mine? Crushed...forever crushed. I just...can't do this anymore. It gets tiring...I'm tired...So so tired. ~spotlight fizzles out and silence prevails~ ~Angel in Runes~