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Not Allowed... 2002-04-23 - 10:04 p.m. [Music: The Longest Journey Soundtrack] I knew it had been coming on for a while now but I didn't think it would hit so hard. I'm bruised, I'm weak...I just feel...terrible. I want so bad to be grown up and an adult but i can't handle it I know and I just want to stay..stay right here and never move again. I don't know what's wrong anymore. I think I'm just too too lonely....I don't think enough of myself and therefore I don't expect or demand people to think very highly of me. I don't even know if I deserve it. There's just so much inside me that no one wants to see..that I won't *let* people see...it's disturbing. I'm surrounded by people and I want thme to reassure me becuase i need that but I don't trust them...what is wrong with me? I was talking about Chrystian today and the urge just struck me to bawl. I don't *know* what to do about it. For some reason I want to apologize and make it all better but quite honestly aren't I more emotionally fucked up when I'm with him then when without? And even if that did happen and I did get "another chance"...what good would it do? I'd fuck up, like always...I haven't changed that much...not inside... That's the thing I guess...i change so much for me...the people don't care anymore...~sighs~ I'm trying...i really am... I'm so busy this week and it's driving me crazy. I needed to see Dave but he canceled on me...stupid things...little things..they make me doubt my worth and I hate myself for it. I'm terribly self-conscious, not all that attractive, I have low self esteem, and a messiah complex...it's just so...fucked up and I can't stand it. I look so terrible in everything I try to wear. Dresses look bad on me and I just...I don't know anymore. I hate dress shopping...but people want me to go to prom and I can't just say no no matter how lonely I'm going to be or how alienated i'm going to feel... And then the damn con...christ. I just have no will to go anywhere...I'm too afraid. I just want to cry....why can't I be skinny and cute...? I'm trying to lose wieght but it's never enough...I'm fucking anorexic for the most part! I feel incredibly ugly. And ugly people aren't allowed to cry but I am anyway. ~Angel in Runes~