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Noise on the Wires... 2002-10-15 - 5:19 p.m. [Music: Waking Up Beside You - Stabbing Westward] [Mood of Entry: Jaded] College is slightly difficult but somehow i seem to be less and less affected. I'm slipping into this terribly jaded perspective and for once I'm really not minding. It's serving to keep me calm..keep me a bit more focused on one thing as apposed to others...such as concentrating on school and making decent freindships there to use to my advantage later instead of solidifying my current friendships...fixing the old ones up and taking care of my practically shattered love life. Ah, my love life...what a crock of shit. I lust after a beautifully eloquent cali boy who I have myself convinced I've been in and out of love with...I see things that aren't always there...little touches and small words become huge and blown out of perportion in my crazy little mind...point in case Kel holding my hand at the BAAU meet last sunday..he held a bit longer than one would think one would hold hands. And all that's not evening going into how I lead people on to my own advantage. I'm a touch oriented person...touch equals love...and who cares the source when you are lonely, yah? close your eyes and it can be anyone...so it's not a big deal. People really need to stop seeing me as the nice girl and face facts. I am hardened over these years...I can be nice but damned if i can't be just as cruel. I suffer violent mood swings, particularly when dating and I'm still a bit of a drama monger, though thankfully nowhere near as much as Chrys can attest. I try to be straightforward but it's hard when I don't know what is truth and what isn't inside my own head anymore. I'm tired of it all and it hasn't even begun yet...though as I keep pondering quietly to myself and among close friends I don't see "it" going all that much further than..25, say. Maybe i'm wrong..but maybe I'm eerily fucking right. Not as if I have plans at the moment to off myself(though i seriously wouldn't put it past me in coming years) I just simply don't see myself alive and happy. I can't even see myself getting married. isn't that something I'm supoosed to want...desire? To live happily ever after and all that rot? Maybe I'm too big of a pessimist for my own good.~shrugs~ Jaded...I should make a layout based on that...i'm quite sick of this one...but I need a design...~sighs~ So busy these days...i have time for nothing and no one. i have a million and one projects to finish and I know I never will. I don't think i can do this. And would you like to know a secret? It stopped bothering me today. Everything stopped. I want his body next to mine...warm and half asleep...sated and wonderful. I want someone to wake up beside...until I'm left to my own demise again...memories...beautiful little memories would be all that's left. When you think about it..that's all I really have anyway anymore...my little kaleidoscope memory..shifting in and out of focus randomly. ...homework...drawing...possibly a new layout in coming hours...i'm not sure yet..it depends where homework, the picture, and the comic idea decide to dispose of me when finished. ~Angel in Runes~