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Jilted Thought Movement... 2002-11-14 - 11:33 a.m. [Music: Symphony of Thoughts] [Mood of Entry: Tired and Prone] Working too much lately...yet again i've fallen behind on updating...something I am working on remedying as soon as i draw up a new layout...I'm begining to hate this one...so Version 6 should be out sooner or later...just need to read up on my HTML and such....I needta make it look good on my mac because on certain things it looks wrong because the page is calibrated to my monitor on my PC...you people should tell me these things... Life is a series of "waiting fors". I'm "waiting for" this e-mail...I'm "waiting for" this phone call. I'm "waiting for" this ride home. I'm "waiting for" this write up from so-and-so so I can do my job. So on and so on and so on. The waiting has gotten to me...I itch to move and do and do more and go somewhere and do something and so so so so so much. it's an insanity i am unacustomed to. I have so many projects going and I itch to finish all of them and there are so many thoughts in my head I think I might burst. I have a thousand sanerios of how everything could be played out. I recieved an e-mail from our very own Bobby since i sent him one first...I live in California now so Oakland isn't all that far away...Just something i want to do... i'd like to talk and just be...hell..rather not talk and see how it feels. what do you do when you meet a complete stranger? my head is swimming with thoughts. I'm working and going to school and doing my drawings and writing my stories and meeting people t fill the time...it's that itch again....if i'm not moving or doing or...something...i feel that i'll vanish. If i just stop am i real anymore? if i close my eyes does the world really just disappear? So many things are ready to happen and many eyes are on me...i feel like a ballerina poised for the fall...And my emotions have gone far far beyond my control. I smile...but only when no one is looking...I look somewhere, anywhere and in a split second i want to cry and then conversly i want to scream. This duality of self is annoying. I'm tired...i'd really like a break from this constant movement. I'd like to be comfortable enough to just stop. Chrystian used to be my brake system...but we don't see each other all that much...both too busy....always too busy... I would like to do something-- I would like to do nothing today...and feel comfortable about it. These moods turn me inside out...I need to talk to a select few so I can gain my footing on the ground again....There's just so much to do...can't stop moving...you move so you don't have to think about the waiting... The waiting is what gets me. You wait for a job and for money and food and to do this and that and it's just as repetitive as working to make money to eat to work harder to make more money to buy food to work UNTIL YOU DIE. i'm morbid today...and moody..~sighs~ i think this only made some form of sense to me...i just needed to write something down. ... I might begin a new diary...and semi-abandon this one...might...this should be just me...I need something, somewhere to put my abstration...the random little thoughts i have throughout the day....so i can remember...I don't remember much anymore...liken me to the man in memento...only not nearly as bad... memory's shot...fingers twitch....it's time to move again. ~Angel in Runes~