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Inside an Empty Room... 2002-08-05 - 2:24 a.m. [Music: Invisible - Rasputina] Why? I'm sure now you're wondering what the hell I'm on about. "Why what, exactly?" Well...Why do people fall in love with me...? Why do they like me at all? I just can't seem to understand. It's been established over and over that I'm not a very nice person. I need a lot of things and I'm never terribly vocal. I guess at the moment it's just getting to me. Tish is in love with me...i still don't know why. I treat her like shit half the time...we have little in common....and she fucks me up inside quite honestly. My protectiveness goes into over-drive and it makes me angry and it makes me violent. Kefka is still in love with me. This would be all well and good...if he even lived in the UNITED STATES. ~sighs~ So yes, my canadian ex-boyfriend still likes me. Frankly I could get to like him again as well...if it weren't for the fact he lives so damn far away. Excuse me while I go on a sub rant...I can never seem to find a decent medium. Everyone I date lives away from me...from 3,000 miles to a mere 60...And then the other ones that developes crushes on me live too close. I'm sorry, but I hang out with a lot of guys...they come over my house...I sleep naked. I don't want to have to worry about being stalked or watched...I hate that. And so I can never find adecent medium. I am fucked. Ahem. And then...there's Chris. I can't rightly say I love him or vice versa because I've known him...oh...4 days? But we click...a lot. He's quite attractive and I feel at ease for once. Most people can't get me to relax ever. I'm a little uptight...I'm supposed to be the gaurdian type, yanno? So it's sort of nice to climb down from the post once in a while and talk to someone who's so sweet and romantic and caring. Thinking he's perfect yet? Yeah...me too...save two little details. He lives in Ohio. Now I've been through Ohio and it's not a bad place...but It's not where I want to live. I'm a California girl now...That's the way it's going to stay. And...he has a gilfriend. Just my luck, right? So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have no idea what I'm doing. ~sighs~ Honestly? If I were to dream up my perfect match...Chris is pretty damn close. And that tears me up inside. I don't want another fuck friend...I don't. I'd say i want love but I don't even know what that is....I don't know what love is. I used to think it was something that hurt...because of Chrystian...Now I'm not so sure. Chrystian...that name...it just stirs to the surface way too much turmoil. This thing between Tish and I is opening my eyes to his side of the whole deal...though I'm not nearly as sly as him... It's like this is all one big giant test. I'm no good at tests. I liked last year when I knew what the hell I was doing. I say such stupid things. I've been trying to be this better person...but it's not working out. I don't know what I am anymore and I'm so damn curious but there's no one left to give the answers. Hell...he doesn't care anymore anyway. I just wanted to be a friend to Dar but I guess that isn't good enough for him. He's not Dar anymore....he's Tear...and I never knew him. I guess I always just wanted to fit in somewhere. But I don't fit in with the dolls, I don't fit in with whatever is on the east coast...hell, Lex doesn't even speak to me anymore and I've no idea why. See? I'm terrible and I don't even know it. ~sighs~ I'm drifting...I hate drifting. Why can't I fit in? Why can't I know what's wrong with me....who i am? I'm a fool. Going to go read...maybe I'll uncover the answer someday...maybe someone will take pity on me and show me a secret. I can only hope. But somehow I feel as if I am deaf and blind in an empty room. ~Angel in Runes~