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Hear me Scream... 2002-02-13 - 7:23 p.m. [Music: Rasputina - Dig Ophelia] Mmmhmm...bad little Lys, hasn't updated her diary in quite a while... Spoke to Dar for all of 5 minutes last night...Needless to say it didn't much put me in a good mood. I think he might have said he'd call me today but I have serious doubts...I really wish he would...we need to talk...and I need to figure out how far his touch goes inside me...I don't know love anymore...and this valentine's day stuff isn't helping...I feel utterly lonely...but...~shrugs~Not much I can do about that, yanno? ~sigh~ Tommorrow I will have broken up with Kefka for a whole year...dunno why I thought of that suddenly this month but I did...I miss him a lot. Love is all funny like that...don't realize until it's too late. I decided I'm *not* going to send anything to Chrystian...I still love him..will always love him...but I just can't do that to myself anymore. I mean...All I can remember is the last time we spoke and I hung up in tears...Like so many other times...And while some of it was my fault...I'm just a girl...younger than him...I couldn't help it and I told him not to take the time off. Did he really think I didn't want to see him? He must of...but I did god dammit...would I want to give my frikken virginity to someone I didn't care about?? Not likely...~sighs~ If things were better...I still would. But they are not...and as much as I miss it, yeah I do...I don't really think I long for it anymore...I want something else...something new...something I can touch with my hands and not be afraid of. ...I really didn't mean to be so depressing...i mean...I honestly had a really shibby day today...I still need to make oput Valentine's. (I hate the holiday but at least I can make it all happy and shiny for someone else) I also got a really shibby pen today...it lights up and has this cool grip and stuff...And then Tom got me a diet pepsi...and Liz spoke to me in the hallway...it may not seem like much to you but these are the little things that happen in my day that make me want to burst with sheer joy...I just can't help myself... I like the violin in this song... Been doing things for college too...scary huh? I know. But I dunno...I guess I may as well just sell out and go into graphic design...i figure I can I guess and everyone wants me to anyway...may as well be one of the bastards I hate so dearly, right? At any rate I'm going to talk to Mrs. T and see if I can't arrange to see something over break...go to art acad in San fran or something...I'm also going to check out a culinary school next saturday in San Fran. I still don't know how I would use the stuff I would learn at either place but whatever...i guess I just go, yanno? And I need to get a job too... I am majorly stressed...The fact that I have no one to fall back on hurts me...I need someone to hold me for a little while...but all I get are promises promises... I wish Dar would call me. ~sigh~ There's a lot of stuff I need to get done for school plus I have some writing I need to do on my own...over break though I think...too much to do right now...too swamped. No one calls me anymore...funny...I just realized that. Wierd. Sometimes I think I could scream and no one would hear me... Sometimes i just want to give up... My scar hurts when people touch it...Sam punched me there today...it is sore...but I will continue to make it bigger...sick fascination I guess. It feels right somehow...I don't even bleed anymore. It hurts to talk and to eat because I have a sore in my mouth...ow ow ow. This upsets me...damn. I think somewhere along the line I lost myself...damn. Dave is a fairly sweet guy...I need a sweet guy in my life... And a lot of what Dar says I have a hard time believeing...I wish I didn't...why couldn't I find a nice local boy?...I hate my love life...stuuupid love life. And that's quite enough of my v-day ramblings. ~Angel in Runes~