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Forever... 2002-04-30 - 3:08 p.m. [Music: Signs of the Zodiac - Rasputina] (And yes for all you d-land users...I'm keeping my setting and not using the cute little option feature...I like doing this too much..that may change but this is how it is for now. in other diary realted news...I'm about ready for another change of scene. I haven't gotten any really good ideas yet though so don't spazz out just yet. I'll keep you posted.) EDIT: I did in fact change the set up...It's nice enough. Welcome to the Mirror's Dim Reflection. ...Ahem.~clears throat~ For the record...I am incredibly lost and guilty and confused today. I simply want to go outside, stand in the rain and then curl up on the curb under my umbrella and draw while I listen to some much needed Rasputina. rasputina is good for depressive moods and it soothes me..calms me. I feel so guilty for having fun this weekend...I feel terrible in fact.~sighs~ I am begining to think I am incapable of taking pleasure for myself...it just doesn't happen anymore without me feeling so so guilty afterwords. There is obviously something wrong with me in that respect. I have zero self-worth, no matter what anyone tells me. It's my job to make others happy right, to take care of everyone else and live my happiness through them, right? It just..feels like I've been completely failing as of late. I'm getting angry and frustrated for no reason at some people and others...~sighs~ others I just don't know what to do with. I am a walking vortex of conflicting emotion. I think it simply boils down to I am stressed and i am lonely. I haven't felt like I've accomplished anything as of late either which is very bad considering the way I see things. You have to make the best of life..the best you can...because maybe it will be all you'll get...and...in that moment..don't you want to know you tried? Really and truly tried? I don't feel like I've tried at all lately. It's either not coming at all or it comes too easy. I think I'm fucking myself over...for any life that I have or am yet to have.~sighs~ My heart pounds on days like today...my throat goes dry and my eyes water. I miss Chrystian on these days and that pain is acute. I 'spose I am acertain type of person...we take the wieght of the world onto our back...and once and a while it crushes us..the thing is...for me I think...it's still there...always just...*there*...so I have to get stronger and hold it all on me. I'm slipping up again and...falling apart. I am...quite fucked up bodily...It's not pretty. I need to go to the doctor but refuse...sometimes...well...sometimes I think my heart is going to burst right out of my chest. It hurts sometimes... But then again...it hurts all the time. I just want to sit outside on the curb...in the rain...outside. Forever. ~Angel in Runes~