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Digital Morbidity... 2002-04-03 - 9:14 p.m. [Music: Orgy - Dreaming in digital + Vater Unser - E Nimone] Sometimes we just don't know what to say anymore. Our nights are plagued with dreams that mean nothing and our days are infiltrated by dreams that mean too much. We can't figure out if we're awake or not sometimes and it's so scary sometimes. Are we even real anymore? And everything keeps slipping into digital...maybe we're digital too...obviously we are to someone but we mean moreso...we're drawing a picture of what we mean...Like...a program...repeated..done over and over but the dreams that come are anomolies...God..it's so...messed together. And that dream...that god damn dream. We *want* her...and we don't know *why*. We dream of blood and being beaten by her...because we know it would make her feel good inside...and somehow we think we'd feel good too...but then it changes and it *can't* be her because we know she doesn't think the way we do...sex would not be an option...but we ache to try it with her...to touch and to make her shiver...to smear the blood..our blood...across her skin...dammit... I fear for what we have written...What will happen next? We're sorry..but god..we couldn't hold it in anymore!...we...I...want to cry...I don't think we want love from her...her friendship is enough but...that dream is so vivid... ...it is why we've been scarring our arms of late...about now we have 4 or so circular scars on our arms...it makes us feel good...proud in a way...if..that dream were ever to occur..we'd have to take much more so maybe we are getting ready...we want to let her beat the shit out of us...because we want that for her...desperately. And we know this'll be read and then everything will be out in the open...we feel so vulnerable...but...we need this out...because we need the dream to stop as much as we embrace it... ...things will never be like that... What are we anymore?...it feels like we're just a digital image..pull the plug and we'll fade away...why don't we feel real anymore?...what's going to happen? ...we just don't understand sometimes...we try so hard to be what is needed but it's never enough...we feel so useless...and we just want them to be happy..all the faces...all the hands there and we don't want them to let go because this is safe...safe... ...we want the beautiful girl to be happy...we want to meet the boy and give him a kiss so he might forgive us even though we know he's forgiven us already...we want to continue to be the meeting point for all...it's all so complicated. A million names...connected to a face each and everyone...all leading to one another one way or another but also stringing to us...we want to hold them...but mostly...we want the boy and the girl to be happy...truely happy. ...and it's times like these when we think so much...we wonder why we lied...we know the answer but...still...it's odd to think that...we most likely would be dead had we not...would have cracked...dead dead dead...a funny thought... we want to live...damn the dream...why can't we just hold them?? Touch them? Dammit...if we ever wanted anything..it's that...we want to bleed for her...and we promised...promised...hell...if we build up our threshold enough..we'll let her stab us...if she will be pleased. There is something wrong when you wonder how something like that will feel...as opposed to how it could kill you.~sighs~ We would give few people such a thing...he and she are just two of them of maybe four... And we wonder how we'd explain that when we got home...Our..no..."my friend beat me up"...no no no..that would never do.~sighs~...so many lies to tell... ....are we dreaming still and just don't know it?...I think...think that despite our will and our trying to live...to really live...we are dying...slowly..inside to out...it may take a forever...or maybe just a well placed bus...but... we feel something wicked coming...and we hope to all that is good...that it isn't anyone we've been versed in...because we are as human we think...and...we don't think we'd be long for this world if it were any of them...and we hope it's not death...because there's been too much of that as late though we'll understand if it's time for us...though not if it is time for any other....even though we believe for once we will be missed. You ask what we fear? Not death...no...it is just an ending and cannot be stopped...not even truely hospitals..they simply make us ill for the thoughts of what might have been...no...what scares us more than the devils and deamons..is the simple cease...the cease of sound and noise of those we love but have so limited contact with..that will imply death or something worse...~sighs~ we fear it like we fear nothing else...we don't want to lose anyone... Sigh...we just don't know anymore..there's nothing left to cling to...please..anybody..reassure us...and don't hate us...please...we don't think we could stand it...becuase we love your beauty so. We just...don't know what is real anymore..what is digital image and what we can touch...our world is melting...what are we? ...what are we...?! ...of course silence is our only answer... ~Angel in Runes~