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Disenchanted Youth... 2002-04-17 - 7:28 p.m. [Music: S & M (A Love Song) - Kidney Thieves] First of all, let's get this out in the air...this isn't a cry for help or attention...don't precieve it as one. As public as this damn thing is I treat it as if it were private and that better suits me...so don't say a word...just don't. And now on with it... In the last what...months? I have been far too well aquainted with that which i most hate..the hospital. I habor this irrational fear because I belong there...I fucking belong there. I hate the looks of the people and the blood and that god damn smell and those calm voices and all of it! And I'm pissed at my father for doing this to himself which puts me in this situation. Besides the fact he's thrust kme in every sort of fucking situation of late. I am poor. Fucking penniless my dears. I don't doubt I'll be on welfare shortly or somesuch. And I get pissed when people brag about how much they spent on this or that. Fuck you. I was always cheap and thrifty yeah but now I have to be moreso and it kills me. I want to be a little kid again because then this shit wouldn't affect me so. As it is I am for all intents and purposes an adult. the honeymoon is over. I have to keep my mum in line while I try to hang on what little sanity I have andf I just can't force myself to smile and bare it right now... It's times like these suicide is so fucking appealing. And that god damn gym class. It is lowering my already low self esteem to the poiunt of non exsistance. I look at myself and I can only see what it wrong...my too pale blotchy skin, my face still chubby with baby fat and the pudge here and there and the scars and scabs that adorne my body all over. God damnit! I must surely be a product of where I was raised because the girls here don't give a damn...and that only makes me all the more self conscious. The fat girl is more comfortable with herself than me! I am obsessed with grace though I completely lack it and only appear to myself as a clumsy little fool. I hate myself. I just want to take a nife and chop off all the fat and scar and make myself the twisted thing I feel I am inside. Fuck...fuck fuck fuck! I am supremely disatisfied. And not even my lack of eating and baring the constant hunger seems to help. I do not eat because I wish to save money and I want to be thin. I want to be beautiful like the beauty i see everywhere but I can't see it inside me...god damn it...NEVER! I haven't lost any weight while everyone else does and I can't stand it any more!! And no one is here to hold me and make it okay and why would they be when I can't even see something pretty here? i don't blame them...and I long for words and i don't want them all the same. I am going crazy. I can feel it. God fucking dammit...I don't know what to do anymore...people say I am bold and cute and all those things but they mean nothing.. NOTHING! I can't feel it...I just don't see it...tell me where I'm going wrong... Sometimes i just want to die...~sighs~ I'm sick of this disenchanted youth and I feel now for all that must be forced through it. i am not strong enough to endure...there are so many better than I....I am a whiner and insignificate and hated and unatractive... ...~sighs~... I don't feel much of anything anymore. ~Angel in Runes~