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Die, Die, my Darling... 2002-03-07 - 10:14 p.m. [Music: Colorblind - Counting Crows] Hmm, it seems I should add another name to the list.~shakes her head and just fucking laughs~ I wonder if our dear sweet Dar knows how many people love him so dearly? I find it damned fucking amusing...but that's most likely because everything right now is sorta in the shitter so I've got to laugh at something, no? I keep getting wierd hits...I seem to have gotten a hit from one of Chrissy's friend...God damn I miss Chrissy. And wierd google hits, mostly because I mention Dar so much. Heh. Speaking of my favorite little devil...He's sick...I wish I could phone him..but 1)don't have Jen's number and 2) I wouldn't want to bother the poor boy. He told me to e-mail him so I did. Sent him a fairly lengthy e-mail(well, lengthy to me anyway..I have a very hard time writing e-mail) detailing some of the shit that's been happening lately..of course I didn't check my guestbook until a few minutes ago but I'll tell him about'cha Cole. And yes, he still lives in California.~nods~ Anyway...I spent the day home today...and didn't do a god damn thing I was supposed to. Shame on me. I can't seem to draw out my frustration which is pissing me off more. I really badly need to paint because when I get like this painting is my only escape. I hope no one stole my dirt painting from school, I would be upset. It's a series of shoeprints with splats and spatters of paint all over it...Me and Als named it a bunch of things..." Walk this Way" "Walk on Water" "Walks of Life" ect ect. it was good...I got dirty like crazy...and that's just a good feeling. I don't want to go to school tommorrow either...I really think I do need a vacation..this is a lot harder on me than I tend to let on..simply because I don't want any damn sympathy...I hate that..I hate it when people say they're sorry when they didn't *do* anything...I mean..some people like it and I won't deny 'em...but for me..and only me..it gets on my fuckin' nerves! I don't think I have any nerves left by the way...I can converse with all of maybe 5 people I know on or off-line and that's it...all my other "friends"...lately I just want to stab them, the angsty bastards. And yeah yeah...I make it out to be a lot more than it is, but to me it *is* a lot, okay? I *know* other people have worse...but this is *bad* to me...so excuse me while I bitch a little at my little diary and try to keep what little sanity I have left. Had a bad dream last night. Just bad...About the bearer of ill omens...and the friends I have and what the hell I am. Yanno..last night, for no apperent reason..I just started bawling. No idea why. I need to talk to a few people...about a few things...but...I'm getting the feeling i'm either something I don't appear to be or i'm just a frikken magnet of some sort...or maybe I'm completely fucking wrong...I need to get the job I'm putting in an application for so i can find out..that way I can go visit Dar in the flesh and then see Tony too...and I'm sure they can help me..at least more than I can help myself. Le sigh. I need to be doing my homework right now, yanno....I still haven't done it...I am such a bad girl.~sighs~ Iwish someone were here right now to give me a hug...I miss that about home...anytime...I could call Martin or that fucktard Kile...and I could have that...I miss Martin..a lot..I wonder if he even remembers me...I doubt he does....I doubt any of the kids back home remember..and why should they, right? Not like I really strived to keep in touch...Which reminds me...I forgot to write Colleen an e-mail when I was writing them all out last night..forgot to finish my e-mail to Gem, too...God..what is wrong with me...where the hell is my head?? Well...must pull through this..I am resillent if nothing else, right? Just plaster on a smile and go about business as usual...I'll pick up the pieces soon...I hafta...otherwise I fail my senior year and that's not pretty. We shall see. Maybe if I explain what has been going on...I can buy some time...but I've got to do these assignments...or I am fucked royal. Sigh...I'm really not into writing this week Ms Gebbie...my head is sorta somewhere else...I'm sorry...~sighs~ Yup..real fuckin' sorry. Can I kill someone now, sweethearts? Better yet...how about you be all nice..and have Dar e-mail me back..I'd like that...I miss him..and I miss our talks...I guess though..it'll just be another lonely night of reading year old conversations and trying to piece myself back together...such fun...such fun. ~Angel in Runes~