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Change of Self's Season... 2002-05-30 - 4:12 p.m. [Music: Perfect - Stabbing Westward] I was stuck today with this severe sense of loss. In a way...I have lost a lot. I was watching the idiots in my gym class and soimething in me just snapped. I miss home. I miss my idiots. I miss how they used to put the soda machines in front of the doors to the small cafe....I miss the way they'd shove little Chris in the garbage can on wheels in the morning when they had just been cleaned while only a few feet away from the main office and then sending him cereening into a pile of other garbage cans...I miss Karsh and his fight club mentality....I miss maturbation Mickey and my swarm of now-sophemores...I miss Eric and the way he'd help us convince Mrs. Barbarito to light things on fire and try to elctrocute himself and eat an entire packet of wasabi for a bet. They were idiots...but they were my idiots...the stupid backwoods kids I grew up with. And yeah, it wasn't always peaches and sunshine...far from it when food was thrown at me and I was called fat and ugly...but all the same...I miss it sometimes. I miss pyche class and the walk outs and news crews and false fire alarms and Pete and Bree making out on the back of the bus and the penis game and other the other stupid shit we did. My life...everything...was there, yanno? And all the people I knew and ever loved...lived there...I miss them so so much. From Jake the artist kid I adored in middle school to Pablo, to Colleen, to...everyone. I can't believe....that, most likely...i will never see them again. It hurts, yanno? Because here I am...going to graduate soon and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. No one to be happy for me but family...story of my life. It's like all my recent birthdays and prom and every bad and lonely time rolled up in one and it's killing me inside. I don't know where to go from here. I feel so lost. People work thier whole lives...waiting...waiting for this moment. I should be happy right? So why am I so so not? I feel...alone now more than ever. And tired. I'm tired and molding myself to suit this one and that and to be there for my parents and everyone. I just want to be a while. I would like to go to Southern California and meet Tear and everyone, to see what has been going on...which brings up something else entirely. ~sighs~ Everything leads to everything else. It's so confusing. And then maybe to Texas to see Tish a while and then off to Maryland to see Tony and Vince and 'Lex. But it won't happen. I'm held here more than I was ever held anywhere...and it's sad because all I want to do is go and break free and touch these people that have so touched me...impacted upon *me* but there's nothing going for it. I feel like there's a million tons of resistance. Sometimes I just can't stand it anymore. And people expect so much of me when I don't even know what I want. My head cries this and my libido cries that but my heart remains strangly silent in all this. I wish I knew what I wanted...what I needed. So...Like the silly girl I am, I give and do not expect anything in return....because I don't know what i should expect. I just want people to be happy and pleased with me because I am just a simple creature... All in all...I would just like to be back in Bethel, CT....at my grandparents house in that yard that seemed like it went on forever when I was little. Sitting on that old old swing, iced tea made by my grandmother right there. We used to go there all the time...and then...i don't know what happened...Did I grow up too fast? I didn't take the time and now there's no time to take. i miss that house and I miss being there and just sitting and talking with my grandmother after dinner as she did the dishes because she was a little obsessive like that and she made such good sandwhiches and iced tea... Iced tea. Drink on my memory. I've been having it a lot lately because it reminds me of home. of towering trees and summers that aren't really all that hot and rain that would fall oh so randomly. Swimming pools and neighbor boys that were so much trouble. Little boy's crushes who's hearts I crushed. ~sighs~ I...miss it there...A lot more than I should. I guess there's really no point to all this...just random thoughts...to make up for my severe lack of posting...but still...I do. I miss it without end. I miss the baseball field and the snowball fights and the asian boy that mowed his lawn shirtless in the summer and the leaves falling on my head in the fall. it's not like that here. Everything is so different...maybe I'm different now too? I don't know anymore. I would like to fly free a while...but I am trapped here in this golden cage. I cannot fly...I will not escape...pulled down down down... And all I can do is take photos...pictures of the simple things...simple things with simple pleasures that each tell a story and whisper in my ear. I'd like to hear again. Alone and yet not...Just..lost here amongst this crowd. I'm looking to find my way...path strewn with memories and things to come. I am carving my way to a place called Home...where ever that may be. ~Angel in Runes~